Blurred Lines

I love writing about mental health. I’m passionate about it, because it is something I deal with daily. Mental health is not a code to be cracked. Not one I’m cracking, anyways.

I’m medicated, but why? Why do I need medicine to feel stable? I’ve felt so good lately. Do I really even need it? I missed a few days.. are the tears welling up in my eyes because of those 2 days missed? Or am I sad? Is something wrong? Mom can tell something’s off.. please don’t ask me what it is. What will I say? I have no idea. Now I’m crying. Everything is good.. nothing has been going on, has it? What is wrong with me????

I finally said something tonight out loud that encapsulates how I feel. “Sometimes my emotions just feel like a diagnosis instead of something real”

It’s why I struggle to understand when to feel big or small. I wish I could feel something immediately sometimes. Instead, I overthink it. Should I be sad about this? Should something this small make me this angry? Why did that one thing get to me so badly? What was I even sad about yesterday? Does that make sense? Why must I live in my head.

When I got medicated and a diagnosis, I felt so seen and relieved. It helps with guidance a lot, but some days I’m worried I’m self consciously using it as the reason for everything. Am I not feeling things the way I should? I was disassociated all last week and until I’m out of that empty room in my head, I don’t think about why. I had a breakdown on the Monday after, and typically that yanks me back in to reality. Did something trigger it? Or is it seriously because I missed 2 days of my medication? Am I that f**ked up?

I go back and forth telling myself.. “you don’t need a reason for having a bad day”, and that’s true.. but some days it is suffocating. I need something to be the reason. I crave to have a trigger point. It helps make me feel sane. Wouldn’t it you?

You see a stranger or friend with tears in their eyes, the first thing you’ll ask is.. “what’s wrong?” You never expect them to not know. It’s frustrating and it’s consuming. I find myself in a rage and instead of telling someone I’m not okay, I’d rather swallow the tears and look away. I feel embarrassed and dramatic when I can’t tell someone why I’m angry, sobbing, or quiet. All I want to know is, why. I hate causing trouble or confusion for someone’s day. Especially someone I love. I hate being a constant worry.

I’ve gotten to the point with myself that I can wake up and understand who I’m getting and what she’ll need that day. Factoring in someone else and explaining to them that something so small isn’t going to fly today sucks and it’s hard. I’m learning everyday that mental illness will always cause blurred lines. I’m learning and loving me. Cheers to the unexplainable bad days!