Shut up brain
At times, my brain is so loud. I can’t sleep, think, or hear. It’s consuming and sometimes a real bitch. When I was at a really low point mentally, my mind wasn’t something I was proud of. It seemed like a cloud of doom. I felt like I used to be full of advice, humor, kindness, etc. All things good, yanno.. with the occasional bit of anxiety. In that moment, though, I felt worthless. In my head looked dark, if that makes sense. The only things to come out of it were discouraging. For example:
I’d talk to a stranger or even a friend. My thoughts would be.. “that sounded so dumb.” “They’re not interested” “they can see that pimple you tried to cover up” “did I even make sense?”
In the most non-conceited way possible, I was obsessed with myself. I was obsessed with my flaws and what I thought were “flaws”. Not once did I look for a strangers pimple or the mistake in their sentence. My only thoughts were to make them feel comfortable. Who’s to say they weren’t doing the same? Why was I sabotaging every single thing I did? I missed myself. I couldn’t hear who I used to be anymore. It was heart breaking. Everyone is different, I know that. However, I started therapy. I learned that if someone was staring at my pimple the whole time I was talking, who cares. It’s a damn pimple. That sounds so small, and maybe it was, but it was a small step to getting myself back.
I got caught up in what other people liked. I was trying to mirror different things that I liked about everyone else. That is not the Gemini in me, girl that is mental illness. Really though, that’s your brain literally ignoring who you are. It’s constantly comparing you to EVERYONE. Take a breather. You like all of these things about those around you. Little things, big things, weird things, whatever. THAT is normal. People like those things about you too. Even the quirks you try and hide. You are you. I’m me. That’s something I had to accept. That is not a small pill. That is a big pill to swallow, so don’t be hard on yourself if it doesn’t stick.
There are so many other situations that I have wanted to tell my brain to shut up in, but that’s enough to scratch the surface. I’m excited to dig more in to my experience with mental health. I hope you can relate or not relate and think this is an insane way of thinking LOL. I’m always here. This is my first post, so I’ll end it with reminding you there is a submissions form on the first page. You can be anonymous or not.