Demons Fight Back

Have your demons ever kicked your ass? Mine’s been handed to me quite a lot. It’s humbling, but geez man.

Suppressing thoughts / feelings has never done me any favors. It feels easy in the moment. However it will come back to bite. Whether it’s family, friends, self harm, trauma, grief, etc. It will be felt. I know it’s so cliche to say you will have good days and you will have bad days, but it’s true. Especially when it comes to those demons. On those hard days, it will feel like everyone around you is having a good day. Everything is going right for them. It ain’t. This is a reminder to not feel alone. I promise someone else has felt it too.

I’m a people pleaser to the core. I give and I give until I have nothing left to give. That goes for time, advice, care, sleep, gas, and money too. I will be your girl.. until I’m physically and mentally drained. That’s when depression sets in for me. Some days I sit on the couch and wonder, “who’s doing these things for me?”. I will stay in a dark room (my head) until I finally feel like I’m alone. Slowly marking off people I know that aren’t there for me like I am them. What the hell?

I started realizing, and still realizing, that yeah.. I am a people pleaser. It has its blessings and it has its curses. I started looking and noticing that those friends and strangers I was there for were asking for the things I was doing for them. They were reaching out to me, someone they knew would be there. I mean yeah, sometimes I was just doing acts of service without being asked.. but hey, that’s just being a good guy. I realized I NEVER reach out to those around me. It didn’t take any time for me to see the people surrounding were ones that loved me and would do anything for me. They’re there, trust me.

I’ve had my fair share of relationship trauma and even some family trauma. I’m healing daily. I see some of those bruises in everything. (Also, remember… trauma looks different for EVERYONE.) I see them in my current relationships. I see them in my friendships. I try and remind myself that I can pick the relationships I want to be in. I don’t have to let anyone in if I don’t think it will be safe for me. I’m worth picking something that will make me better, stronger, smarter, and happier. You have the power.

I’m having really good days now for the most part. I still got demons though, and they do fight back.