NUMB
These past few years for me did not feel real. That sounds terrible to say, but seriously. My anxiety affected my memory, my relationships, my engagement, my vision, and my hearing. That feels extreme, but it was extreme. I wasn’t me. I was having fun. I had so many friends. My family was amazing. Everything on the outside looked shiny and perfect. Honestly, I had it great. However, if there was a back door to my brain.. you’d think you had entered a horror house.
I’d come home from socializing and go blank. I could barely remember what we had talked about or who was there. So weird. I wouldn’t even turn on the tv or music, just silence. I was in deep with disassociation. Not the funny kind where you get distracted and forget to listen. I genuinely could barely function mentally. There were some days that my brain would feel clear and I would be so thankful that the fog had finally lifted. It hadn’t. It was just a cloud that would spin a block and come right on back.
Unless I was completely engulfing myself in to a social event and being overwhelmed by other people carrying the conversation or vibe, I was on the verge of tears. I have no idea why, I just was. It’s scary and you don’t want your mom to know you’ve been unhappy for what seems like no reason at all. I felt helpless. I felt like something was genuinely wrong with me. I could look at someone and not care about what they were going through. I could hear heartbreaking news and barely flinch. I was numb. Absolutely nothing felt like it could help. People closest to me could see it in my eyes. They just felt like I was off. Drinking helped. A few seltzers or glasses of wine helped me level out and feel like a normal functioning human being. It didn’t help my memory but it sure helped my “vibe”.
This is probably a touchy subject for some, but to be fair this is my blog. I got in to therapy. My mom became obsessed with holistic solutions. I tried them, but my depression or whatever this numbness was wouldn’t let me stick to any sort of system or routine. I really opened up in therapy. I felt like I had tried everything. My psychiatrist finally prescribed me medication for anxiety and depression. After a few weeks, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. That tunnel vision finally cleared up. My memory started getting back to normal. I had friends tell me I was acting like my 16 year old self again, aka happy. Medication is iffy. It needs to be prescribed and it’s definitely not for everyone, but I’m a big believer in when ya need it, ya need it. I will say, after leveling out emotionally; meditation, exercise, self care, etc., it all helps and it all keeps me sane. Take care of yourself and don’t stand still. It’s better to feel than feel nothing at all.